my paintings, Spirituality

Where do I belong?

Where do I belong? This is the question that came up for me in the early hours of the morning.

I realize that all my life I’ve been looking to find where I belong. In part, or maybe in full, I’ve created separation instead of belonging. Always looking for what is missing.   But I’m beginning to see that nothing is missing. Love is right here all the time. I belong to Love. Love is my true home.

I’m a wandering Jew, looking for home. This is why I’ve been looking for home. Home.

On every level,I’ve been looking for family, community. Questioning. Do I belong to the astrological community? Do I  belong to the Shakti community, the TTC community? The Enneagram community?   To the Family Constellation Community; to all the clients that have ever crossed ny path? To my FAMILY?!

I’ve been dreaming of my sister Lynda. We were back in The Valley road house where we grew up. She walks into her bedroom and disappears. She’s just been talking to mom and dad.   I don’t know what about. I’m still too young to know.

And then I see Richard, my younger brother. He is very sad. He’s crying and I can’t reach him.

When I switched on the light to journal this morning, I was looking for a pen and I was drawn to the photograph of my mother, taken when she was probably in her 30’s. Dearest mom! … And I felt I was seeing her with new eyes. Seeing her soul. Her humour, her impishness, her deep sense of self-love and feeling of being loved. Her jewishness – humour. I’m seeing her light instead of the darkness which life brought her. I don’t see her in her suffering, but in her essence which is shear Joy.

When you make Love you’re home. You’re always home.

I carried within me always a sense of not being loved by my mother because I was a disappointment being born a girl not the wished-for baby boy. So it took her time to love me. She was feeling overwhelmed with two young daughters already. This is the story I made up in my head.  I’ve been attached to this story. But it doesn’t matter now. I know I belong to my family, who love me, even though I only have one living sister left from my family of origin.

I left S.A. I left the jewish community; I left my family. I’m living with Brent and Lucy and Stella. An honourary member of their family. But if I shift my figure-ground, I see that I belong wherever there is Love and this web of Love connects me to everything in the Universe. Love is the glue that holds everything together, including my own very body.

When I don’t value myself, then I don’t feel my sense of belonging. When I love myself with all of my humanness and imperfection then I feel Home.

Thank you God/dess and all the angels and spirit guides for bringing me insight. When I realize we are all just souls seeking to come home and gifting each other with gladness or sadness all for our own learning, I can forgive, accept Life as it is.

The world is perfect in its imperfection. I convey this is my art by accepting my imperfection.

My ailing body is a perfect imperfection for my learning now.

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I’ve been making cards and envelopes for my show.  How do like these?

photophoto

 

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3 thoughts on “Where do I belong?

  1. I love the look of your cards. The abstract images seem three dimensional because of the layers and different colours. I find them very pleasing to my eye. Love you, Susan

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